I arrived home and it had been "one of those days". With so much attention being put on my newly diagnosed daughter I had let my concentration on my own management slip. Now when I say slip I had some readings in the 9's, 10's and 11's and even at this level I didn't feel the best.
As I walked through the door and sat at the kitchen table I turned to my wife and said "I wish someone could take this away just for a few hours." I don't ask for much as I could have asked to have it taken away forever however even I know that won't be in my lifetime.
I was tired. Tired of the calculating, tired of the feelings and just tired of T1D in general. The change of managing myself and now also another T1 24 hours a day has its challenges and after nearly 24 years it is going to take some getting used to and balance.
After a reassuring hug and kiss from my wife and her telling me that she would take it away if she could it was up to me to flame the flailing ember to ensure the fire stayed alight and strong. It is amazing how a little bit of mis control can change your day to day perspective. I account the near burnout to a few things -
1. Nearly 24 years of T1D (this is a given and comes around every now and again, almost like a cycle)
2. Coping with the change of managing 2 T1's and having the thought pattern that if I stuff up with my calculations it is I who suffer but if I stuff up with my daughters calculations it is her that feels the consequences.
3. Bringing slightly out of kilter with my levels. I think this is a big factor in having chemical imbalances also. The moodiness increases for the worse and outlook become more negative compared to having tight control.
Each time there is one of these events in my life number 3 is part of the reason. Some of the other reasons come from life in general for example emotional state and stress in life will contribute at one time or another. People will not always understand as we all tend to keep the battle on the inside but if it does happen acceptance, support and understanding is needed.
ACCEPT that this happens and that you will come out the other side. Accept that this disease is not easy and the constant management can take its toll.
Have someone who will SUPPORT you. They may not understand or they may but all you need is someone to empathise with what you tell them and for them not to judge. The SUPPORT is a crucial human need and will work wonders when all you need is an ear.
UNDERSTAND what elements that may contribute to the situation. You may not be able to fix all the elements but concentrate on the ones you can. UNDERSTAND that with acceptance, support, understanding and a little hard work you will come out the other side.
To get the ember flaming again I focused like a magnifying glass on a piece of paper on the one thing I could change, my levels and settings for my pump. For the next hour I downloaded my results and pulled together the graphs and tables to look for the patterns. For some reason my body's needs had changed again and tweaks were required. I made the changes and agreed with my self that I would need to monitor closely the changes to make sure they fixed the problems that were presenting. I also agreed with myself that even though the work load has doubled it is in the best interest of my daughter and me to keep focus on both so that we can continue this battle well into the future.
This wasn't the first and it won't be the last time that the fire burns down to a mere ember but as long as it is still alight then the breeze will always keep it going.
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